Deny, deny, deny… always not their fault
A Man has been Stealing the tires of Police cars..
Police are working Tirelessly to catch him.
This sub is really disappointing me lately.
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
Midgets and Dwarfs…
have very little in common.
The person who invented hand sanitiser…
She must be really rubbing her hands together now!
There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
My dog really is diggin the new dune movie… Maybe a little too much!!!
My dog really is diggin the new dune movie… Maybe a little too much!!!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
The blonde’s password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Also heard something like:Faster you go slower the time around you. So if you move as fast as light ,which is the limit, the time will stop around you. And if you go faster than light you will travel back in time.(I’m not sure of that information so please correct me if I’m wrong)
https://ift.tt/2RNcaiq
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
WeWork’s Founder Adam Neumann Getting Owned by Masa Son of SoftBank
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdPlCiS287k&t=3s
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had reptile dysfunction
Blue Collar Joke
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.” “Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the goddamn drywall.”
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?" Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars." Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?" After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?" Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
I used to know a guy who did circumcisions
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist…
A lot of black people would try to mug me
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?
When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
People say I pronounce my b’s and v’ like a Russian…
Then Soviet…
My friends asked me why I’ve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”