depressing truth
Why isn’t your nose 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
In a lot of ways Iβm like Nichola Tesla.
Iβm bad at marketing.
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
Today I saw two blind people fighting…
I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..ο»Ώ
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
Camouflage clothing is so ugly…
It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.
If a Tesla got stolen…
Would it then be called an Edison?
An alcoholic wakes up in jail.
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.
Fetus Repeatus.
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]β¦
β¦ I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
Whatβs the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
A hummingbird!
Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?
A: She outgrew her B shells.
I’m thinking about starting a company to provide Wi-Fi in public swimming areas..
I'm going to call it IP in Pools
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
One of my kitchen gadgets is randomly playing classical music
I think itβs the Chopin board.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes
You knock on the door.
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket,
you could say you are… Independant
What is a Redditors favorite food?
Copypasta!!
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
βSorry, weβre clothed.β
How do you seduce a farm girl?
A tractor.
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
My boss told me to wear rubber gloves while dealing with customers this week. I told him βFuck that.β
Iβm doing these prostate exams my way.
I was addicted to soap
but now I'm clean.
Thatβs a nice ham you got there…
Be a shame if someone put an S in front of it and an E behind it.