DEPRESSION 100 CORONAVIRUS 100
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
This is why you check for kids
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
Why can’t Usain Bolt listen to music while running?
Because he keeps breaking the record.
I hate the word “xenophobia”
it just sounds so…foreign
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
What are Mario’s jeans made of?
Denim denim denim Denim denim denim
I just started buying stock from the market
I have beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be bouillonaire.
By your excuses combined, I have zero responsibility! Total authority is mine!
https://ift.tt/2VKNxUV
A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.
He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?” The waiter says, “A penny.” The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?” The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished. “Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!” The waiter answers, “He’s upstairs with my wife.” Confused, the man asks, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The waiter smiles and says, “The same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear…
Is sphere itself
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
How can you tell all ants are female?
Cause if they were males they’d be uncles
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you're happy now
A woman got hit in the head by a horse.
Don’t worry, she’s in stable condition.
I ordered a thesaurus online, but when it arrived and I opened it, the whole book was empty, all pages blank!
There are no words to describe how mad I am!
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
Ba-dumm-tsss
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than
Blue and Yellow combined
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic…..
I was in Daniel…
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
Why did the tomato quit his job?
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
They say you are what you eat.
Well, today I bought some ready to eat chicken, and sure enough, when I got home I was ready to eat chicken.
How can you tell good cops from bad cops?
Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
