Derivation 100
Imagine what would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion!
What do you call a popsicle that’s filled with holes?
A Popesicle! Get it? Because it's holy. My kids didn't get it either…
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it drowns, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
There is a new restaurant named Karma
It does not have a menu Because you get what you deserve
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises
When do we want it Neeeooooooow
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
I tried my wife’s essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
Do mom jokes count?
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
The difference between o and O
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says : "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday , the judge asks the first guy : "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well , your honor , I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful . How did you do it ?" "I used a diagram , your honor . I drew two circles like this : Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable ," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor , I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people.! How did you manage to do that?" "Well , I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this : oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said : 'This is your asshole before jail"…
I’m going to rewrite history
History
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
From a physicist: ICP is actually right about magnets
/r/juggalo/comments/g1e3nx/from_a_physicist_icp_is_actually_right_about/
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water…
Schwepped her off her feet…
Cop: You were going 68 in a 55
Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little cooler so I can hear the judge saying it out loud? Cop: Sure whatever [Later in traffic court] Judge: How were you going 420 in a 55?
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."
I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, “Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.”
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home." Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too." Poof! The redhead gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza.
I guess I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.
They fuck you once a month for 25 years, they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend, and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.
I ordered 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup.
It weighed won ton.
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
I keep telling myself to quit drugs
Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. -Emo Philips
Whats the difference between an envelope and a window?
Nobody looks at you funny when you lick an envelope
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but soon fell asleep.
I met a girl with 12 nipples..
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…