Dermatologist
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.
Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
I don’t tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”
Cardi B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor…
Her name is Cardi O!
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.
I just don’t see it.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
9 months isn’t really that long
It only feels like a maternity
Did you know you can’t run in campgrounds?
You can only ran, because it's past tents
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform,
I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
I know a great joke about unrefined oil, but I can’t post it here.
It's a little too crude.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.
A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.
I have a pure bread dog
His name is Fidough
Trump’s gonna build the wall out of…
Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently
A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili…
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
A drunk guest returns to his hotel and says to the clerk “Hi. I’ve forgotten what room I’m in.”
Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"
A father has three daughters of dating age
One Saturday night, he hears a knock on the door. He answers to see a young man, who says, "Hi I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The father nods and calls her down. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" The father nods and calls his daughter. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Chuck…" The father punches him in the face.
The GOP is apparently ok with extremely late term abortions if the stock market is suffering
https://ift.tt/2KdS7EF
I for one, like Roman numerals
No text found
URGENT!!!! Anybody knows how to put the ring back on a grenade?!
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
dating me
pros and cons of dating me pros : dating cons: me
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
What do you call a red neck who works for ISIS?
Y’all Qaeda.
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
I can’t stress how many dirty minded redditors commented on my cakeday joke saying they thought the the monk would cream the girl, so this one’s for you guys.
At the party, impressed by both the monk's cooking skills, along with his manners and good looks, that she approached the monk, hoping to develop a friendship with him. They were quick to develop chemistry, and the girl's feelings evolved into love for the monk, who was close to her age. One day, the girl was dying to know if her feelings would be reciprocated, so she invited the monk over to her house. When he reached there, he was met by a beautiful woman in equally beautiful lingerie, and the girl professed her undying love for the monk. "I know you're probably a virgin, and that having sex is against your religion, so I understand if you don't feel the same," she said. Knowing that the monk would never give up the chance at Nirvana to be with her, she looked crestfallen until the monk took her to her bed and said, "I've lived my life a horny virgin. I love you, but losing my virginity means I'm going to have to lose an essential part of myself." "You don't mean you'll give up being a monk for me?" she said. "What?" the monk asked, very surprised. "No, now that I'm no longer a horny virgin, I have to delete my Reddit account."
It’s cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family… well they were in jail
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
As I handed my Dad his 47th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics