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A guy walks into a bar…
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because
Communication is key
When you hire entry-level developers to build a production app because you’re that cheap!
https://ift.tt/2TIj5tG
Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.
"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted. I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."
What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction.
I’m so tired of jokes about gay people
I mean come on guys
I’ve genuinely lost my voice
Said no one, ever
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
American tells to his Russian colleague:
"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him" The Russian: "When Putin passes by, we all piss on him" The American: "I exaggerated a little – we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit". The Russian: "And I exaggerated too – when we piss, we don't take off our pants".
The Worldâs Greatest Gambler
A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney. The judge asks him bluntly âSir, how did you come into possession of this money?â The man responds âI am the worldâs greatest gambler, and I can prove it.â âIs that so?â The judge asks incredulously âHere, Iâll show you… I bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eye.â âOkay, go for it.â The man removes his glass eye and bites it. The judge is dejected, as he just lost $1000. Still, heâs not sold. âThatâs a good trick, but Iâm not sure that makes you the worldâs greatest gambler.â âAlright… Double or nothing. I can bite my other eye.â The judge reads the manâs face, and can clearly see that heâs not blind. He takes the offer… The man then removes his dentures and presses them down on his other eye. At this point, the judge is torn. The man is an excellent scam artist, without a doubt, but he doesnât know if thatâs enough for him to clear his charges. Plus, he just lost $2000 to him. The judge sits quietly for a moment. The man speaks up again âHow about double or nothing again? I bet you that I can do a handstand on one side of your desk and pee into the wastebasket on the other side.â Obviously, this is wildly inappropriate behavior for a courtroom… But weâre talking about $2000. The judge looks back and forth across his desk a couple times, and decides thereâs no way he could possibly pull this off. He agrees. So, the man walks up, does a handstand on his desk, and attempts to pee across the desk into the wastebasket. He doesnât even come close to making it. The judge exclaims âYes!â The manâs lawyer shouts âNo!â And covers his face with his hands. The judge asks âWait, whatâs wrong?â The lawyer says âHe bet me $10,000 he could come in here and pee all over your desk and youâd be happy about it.â
Her: Atleast invite me out to dinner.
Him: I donât go out with married women, sorry. Her: But I am your wife? Him: I make no exceptions.
My wifeâs sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her âHow could you afford this?!â âYou know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,â she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, âI think Iâll start doing that.â âMe too,â I replied, turning to my sister in law. âWhatâs your husbandâs number?â
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Joke
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled â âSo whereâs your igloo?â – The friend replies âOh no, I mustâve left the iron onâŚâ
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain…
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision…
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
When you wanted to be the princess but instead you’re the villian of her fairytale
https://ift.tt/2Wlpmgm
A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.
"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out. A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside. Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes. He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep. "Gimme some whiskey!" roars the giant. The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle. He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head. "Can I… can I get you another?" asks the bartender. The giant just shakes his head and says, "Naw, I can't stay for too long. Didn't you hear? Big Jake's comin'!"
You canât plant any flowers
if you havenât botany
Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.
The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon." When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question. She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought "nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid." The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked. The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed. "Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed." Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already? I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife." Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room." Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food. The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?" And the groom said "Every time I tried to have sex with her, she just told me I wasn't clean enough." The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did. He waited for hours and how's. Right near the end of his shift, the man finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired. "There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?" "I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying "We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."
I love the way the earth rotates
It really makes my day.
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for…
I can never get a straight answer.
The Hindenburg
Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would blow up!
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up
I'm an only child đ
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think itâs a fair price toupee.
Daughter: âDaddy, why didnât I get a sunburn?”
Dad: âYou canât, honey?â Daughter: âReally?â Dad: âYou can only get a daughterburn.â
Not typical young people or wife bashing, but i felt like this was a pretty boomer joke
https://ift.tt/2ZPoEb4
I was in a mosh pit with a load of Muslims.
It was Khanage.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…