Destruction 100 đđ
“look over there”
"over where?" "I just made you say 'pants'…" (Made up by my 7 year old who never fails to giggle at "under where?" jokes)
NASCAR bans the confederate flag?
Finally a turn in the right direction.
I was not ready.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
My Lesbian neighbors Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldnât mind if we did it the âold fashioned wayâ as they weren't man haters! For six months now weâve been trying but I just donât have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
I know a kid who was born without eyelids. His parents decided to have him circumcised and used his foreskin as a skin graft for his eyelids. The surgery went really well….
…. although afterwards he was a bit cockeyed.
Whatâs the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with massive boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
What’s the definition of a reverse exorcism?
It's when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
 "You owe me one cannoli."
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night
When behind him he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER FASTER BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him. However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and… The coffin stops.
A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows
One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows. One day the farmer gets another bull. The large bull says, âI donât care how big he is, heâs not getting a single one of my cows.â The medium bull says, âSame here, those are my cows.â The small bull agrees saying, âIâll fight if I have to, but heâs not taking my cows.â The new bull is brought to the farm. The trailer is shaking, and the door bursts open. One of the farmhands is launched backwards, and massive bull comes out of the trailer. The large bull says, âForget it, he can have my cows.â The medium bull, quivering by now, says, âNo way can I stop him. I guess he can have my cows, too.â They look to the small bull to see him raring up for a fight. âWhat the hell are you doing?! You canât hope to take him,â they scream to the small bull. The small bull calmly replies, âIâm trying to make sure he knows Iâm not a cow.â
What does a house wear?
Address
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
What do you call a horse with no nose?
A yes horse.
The teacher canât figure out whoâs eating and interrupting them
The teacher canât figure out whoâs eating and interrupting them
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
Do you know how to drive this thing?
I just watched a video of a drill.
It was a bit boring.
New job
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, âAre you allergic to anything?â He replies, âYes, caffeine. I canât drink coffee.â âOK, have you ever been in the military service?â âYes,â he says, âI was in Afghanistan for one tour.â The interviewer says, âThat will give you 5 extra points toward employment.â Then he asks, âAre you disabled in any way?â The guy says, âYes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.â The interviewer grimaces and then says, âDisabled in your countryâs service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.â Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.â The guy is puzzled and asks, âif the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM, why donât you want me here until 10:00 AM?â âThis is a government job,â the interviewer says. âFor the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.â
Why did 7 eat 9 ?
itâs recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day
WHAT DO WE WANT? LOW FLYING PLANES! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
NEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!!
My wife left me because I’m too insecure…
No wait, she's back She just went make a cup of coffee..
Itâs my cake day so a joke for everyone
A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says âWhatâll it be today?â The bear says âgive me a gin and…………………….tonicâ The bartender says âsure thing but why the big pause?â The bear looks down and says âI dunno? I was just born with them. â
Flight attendant stop the bus Iâm sea sick!
Sir you are on a train
My 7 year old daughter
Driving home from my family's Christmas party. Daughter – Dad, on Friday I need some French fries. Me – confused..why?? Daughter – because it's Fry-day. So proud.
cats đ scat đ
cats đ scat đ
This is the only joke I have ever thought of that was (maybe) worth reposting
Long ago, in a land with giants and dragons there lived a very successful man. He made his wealth trading furs, dire wolf cloaks, unicorn hide gloves, tanned kraken belts, dragon scale boots, he traded in them all. This man, however had stopped sitting for any reason, so he would often dominate a room with his tall stature and commanding presence. Why? You may ask, and that is simple, he would always fall out of any seat in which he sat. His mantra began as much as an explanation as it was a focus during long hours of debate, trade, or travel: âI am bad at sitting.â Those around him believed him cursed, to find a seat was thought impossible. The man was simply very bad at sitting correctly, and due to his stubbornness he decided it was the chairs fault and not his own. This lead to many, often funny circumstances, and harrowing adventures. Using his vast wealth and political connections he sought help from the greatest mages of the east. The mages, certain they could create a chair of such comfort, and natural balance that there is no way the man could fail to sit in it properly. Alas, the man could not get comfortable or remain seated for more than a few moments, and thus he shunned the mages for their incompetence. After the unfortunate failings of the mages he traveled to the west, where the greatest warriors in all the realms of man made their homes. He went from town to town, seeking the greatest of all the warriors, he found and gathered the greatest swordsman, the greatest axe wielder, the greatest archer, the greatest tracker, and even the master of the arenas: who was the finest duelist in the world. From a traveling circus he gathered the best acrobats, those who could walk a quarter inch tightrope for miles without difficulty, with the ability to train others to do the same. The master swordsman was an ancient woman, who taught the merchant patience greater than any other man. The axe wielder trained him in strength, that he was among the strongest men on earth. The Archer taught him the bow, and to hold a steady position for hours, despite his bodyâs protests. The tracker taught him how to move lightly, he gained such control of his body he could traverse a lightly frozen pond without breaking the ice, or leaving a trace. The arena master taught him to duel, and how to maintain his focus in any circumstance. The acrobats taught him such balance that he could sit upon a sphere of stone, which sat upon a single spike of iron, and maintain this position for days. After years of training, and becoming one of the finest warriors, strongest men, best archers, most capable hunters, an equal to the master of the arena in a duel, and the third finest acrobat in the world, he still could not sit correctly in a chair. He could stand on a chair, he could sleep while balanced on the back of the chair, but he could not sit as he should. He tried for months, patient as the stone he would perch upon. After 17 more Moons, he decided that though he had not given up, perhaps he should seek knowledge and skill that man could not provide. He traveled far to the north, through frozen passes, over the highest mountains, and descended the deepest valleys. He had to hunt to survive, and all those he traveled with died on the untamed mountains. He moved boulders five times his size, he traversed hills that mountain goats would gawk at. In due time, he came to a great cave: the place he had lost so many friends – and so much time – to find. He ventured into the cave, searching for the great white dragon, said to be as ancient as time itself. Upon spotting the man, the dragon roared, loud enough to shake the mountains, and deafen any mortal, but the man stood firm, able to keep his calm in any situation. The dragon, seeing this, used magic to heal the old merchantâs ears, and said âWhat do you want, a human of such strength and skill to reach me, and such nerve as to not cower before me?â Though the merchant did not understand the language of dragons, he thought he understood the intent of the question. The man said âI am among the wealthiest merchants of the world, the strongest men on this plane, the finest hunter, and tracker known to man, an equal to the legendary duelists of the world, yet I can not sit in a chair. The greatest teachers of men, and the best enchanters in the land could not train me, nor use magic to cheat me, into comfort, or even long term discomfort in a chair. I am simply bad at it. Unfortunately, the dragon did not know the human language very well, and due to gross miscommunication ate the man whole. However, the man did not die, as he lay in the stomach of the dragon, he simply waited, knowing his life had come to an end. Three days passed, the dragon feeling more and more ill as time went on. On the fourth day the dragonâs mate returned, and asked him what was wrong. The Ancient dragon of the north replied âIt must have been something I ate, itâs just not sitting rightâ
Whatâs the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
I can’t stand when people kick me in the back of the leg
No text found
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
His exact words were, âWhen I want your fucking advice, Iâll ask for it.â