deSTrUcTioN 10o
Why can’t the eel and the eagle work together?
Because it would be EelEagle
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted
I wish I had a pony.
What room of a house does a ghost not need?
The LIVING ROOM
Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet?
Or are we still just washing our hands?
You can drop an ant in water to determine its sex
If the ant sinks – girl ant If the ant floats – boy ant
I was on the motorway and desperate for a wee.
"Quick, pass me your bottle!" I told my son, grabbing my crotch. Bloody useless that boy. He just sat there crying in his car seat.
Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.
Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.
I like the guy who wrote “What Is Love”
He really Haddaway with words.
I asked my son to take 9 from 8, to which he replied “minus one”, I said…
“Yours is one what?”
Dad was told he only had 6 months to live. He said he wanted his ex wife to come live with him
Because It would be the longest 6 months of his life.
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
The doctor told me I’m colorblind
Yeah. It really came out of the purple.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi
The people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker…
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?
I finally quit the university geology department.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
I shaved a hedgehog once
It was pointless
I can cut wood just by staring at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
I didn’t realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner
My wife and kids HATED her!
Three girls all had boyfriends with the same name, so in order to avoid confusion, they decided to give the boys nicknames.
The first girl said: "I call my man 7-Up." "Why do you call him that?" asked her friends. "Because he’s seven inches long and is always up." The second girl said: "I call my man Mountain Dew." "Why do you call him that?" said the other two. "Because he likes to mount me and do me!" The third girl said: "I call my man Jack Daniels." The others look at her in bewilderment and say: "Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." "Exactly."
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
Grandma just got (re)married, this is the type of stuff my new Grandpa is sharing.
https://ift.tt/30QJSG1
The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.
Triple JAVA – me coding Java, whilst drinking Java and being in Java, Indonesia
https://ift.tt/2RX5hLx
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, “Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?” She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner
She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
And Jesus said “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students
Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?" As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storms out of the classroom. After the class, the teacher calls the girl back in and says "Young lady, I just have three things to say to you. First, the answer to my question was the pupil; second, you have a very dirty mind for a child your age; and third, one day you're going to very, very disappointed"
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
