Destruction, speech and sneakπ±π±
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for
But I never got a straight answer
Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile…
In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults. One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacherβs snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap. Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! βThank you, young menβ said the fairy, βYour hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?β βThis is my friend Set, and you can call me βEpββ, said Amenhotep. βVery well, Epβ said the fairy βWhat is the desire of your heart?β βI wish I was the strongest man in the world!β Amenhotep wished. βVery wellβ, said the fairy, βbut you must always use your strength to help others.β Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles. The fairy turned to Set βAnd what is your wish, Set?β Set responded βI never want to be poor again! I wish for money!β βVery well,β said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. βGreetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!β βElmon is an expert in all things money,β said the fairy, βHe will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.β Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname βImpβ. With Elmonβs financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order. Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep. Ep and Setβs business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business. As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf. Josep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics. Upon reading the proposal and its ill-natureβs effect on Setβs fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly. Josep was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail. Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend. Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Setβs case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. βCome, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Letβs use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.β Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmonβs murder. The case was brought before the court, but Setβs claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright. Obviously, Epβs teen didnβt kill Impβs elf.
A woman is having an affair while her husband is at work
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." The boy says "I have a baseball." The man says "That's nice." Boy asks "Want to buy it?" Man replies "No, thanks." Boy says "My dad's outside." Man "okay, how much?" Boy "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy "Its dark in here." Man "Yes, it is." Boy "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy "$750? Man "fine" A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy ~ "$1,000?" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that⦠that is way more than those two things cost." "I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
Gary Larson remains the most influential boomer humor contributor of all time
https://ift.tt/2GaJo4b
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
3.14% of sailors are…
Ο-rates.
Casualty of War
https://ift.tt/2K74qmF
I used to be addicted to soap….
Iβm clean now.
βJudge, Iβm here to dispute 60% of my tickets!β
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. Iβm here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets.
My wife said I had no sense of direction…
So I packed my bag and right
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. Edit: *Father Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.
What do you call a rectangle that got into an accident?
… a wrecked angle.
I was interviewing for a job and they asked if I would be alright with travelling –
I said – "Definitely not – I play basketball by the rules"
-Sir, you have a bladder infection.
-Whatβs that? -Urine trouble, sir.
Why donβt ants get sick
Because they have little anty bodies
Jesus at Last Supper
*break bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me …." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord…?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done…." They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful.
Teachers said I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
Well Iβve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
I seen this while scrolling through Facebook and i think the big noses qualify enough.
https://ift.tt/2WVozS1
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
A vampire walks into a bar…
A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily. Sooner than later, another vampire enters the establishment and sees his fellow child of darkness happily nursing his glass at the bar. He proceeds to sit next to him and orders the same, to which the bartender obliges and plunks down another large warm glass of blood. Finally a third vampire strolls through the door and walks confidently up to the barkeep and the other vampires. He opens his fanged mouth to speak, but the Barman interrupts him: "Let me guess…" he opines, "One large glass of warm blood?". To his surprise the vampire shakes his head. "Actually, can I have a cup of boiling water please?" The Bartender is confused but is unwilling to question the motives of a vampire, especially a vampire customer and produces the boiling water for his guest. The other vampires, also curious pause their drinking to stare at the new arrival. Sensing their curiosity the vampire simply shrugs, produces a tampon from his pocket and dunks it into the cup. "I'm making tea…"
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing.
What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaainns
What gender is google?
Female, she doesnβt let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
What is the phobia of chainsaws called?
Common Sense
Whatβs green and doesnβt weigh much?
Light green
A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.
The driver then starts to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio isn't even turned on. The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence. "Hey, ma-" "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks. "Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet." "What did you do before this?" "I drove a hearse."
I took a bath with bubbles
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