Dettol
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
Now she is independent.
If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate,
and the other duplikate.
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
I’m sick of all these people saying cats are liquid.
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
How can you get to one million karma in a day?
You can, but it has to be a cakewalk
What do biographers and serial killers have in common?
Multiple life sentences.
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.
Imagine what would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion!
What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemonaid
Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns.
It was a play on words.
What do you do if your xbox is crying?
You console it.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.
As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision." Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face. On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. Only thing worse is that disgusting excuse for a shirt you're wearing." Startled, the man rushes into the bathroom to freshen up, then returns to his seat at the bar. As the bartender brings back his beer, the man says to him, "I think I'm going crazy here. I thought I had the peanuts heaping praise on me here and then the juke box ridiculing me on my way to the bathroom. Did I imagine that?" The bartender solemnly shook his head. "No, sir. My apologies. The peanuts are complimentary, but the juke box is out of order."
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!" The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story. The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!" The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something… umm … sadder?" The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up….. In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains…..
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.
Whats ET short for
It’s because his legs are little
As a punishment I made my son read part of the dictionary.
He learned next to nothing.
Some people are like Slinkies.
Not all that useful but fun to push down the stairs.
What’s brown and not very heavy??
Light brown.
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
Wanna here a joke about a broken pencil?
Never mind, it’s pointless…
Instructions on how to cure asthma, arthritis, ulcer, handicap, cancer with ultrasound
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4dwdjBJdW0
My co-workers were talking about getting their beach bods ready
I popped over the cube, oreo in hand "I'm working on my beach ball bod"
My wife got really mad at me because I don’t have any sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right.
Why don’t hillbillies like reverse cowgirl?
You never turn your back on your family.
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…