Developer: I think everything is clear User: Hold my beer!
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
HOW TO HAVE SEX WHILE ON LOCKDOWN WITH THE KIDS IN THE HOUSE.
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off' 'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!' 'Jason has had his skate board taken off him After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar' EDIT: HATERS GONNA HATE; REPOSTERS GONNA REPOST. I LOVE Y’ALL!
Why don’t keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.
Here’s the thing about cliff hangers
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Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical Axis.
Therapist: Why ? Patient: Yes!
Why did Princess Peach choke?
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
What’s the opposite of a mermaid?
Land Ho!
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Husband: I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every single woman on our street except one.
Wife: I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Jones in Number 7.
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just paramedics and someone else if they’re patient enough
My girlfriend left me because I stole her wheelchair…
but I knew she'd come crawling back.
What do you call a Jewish Knight?
Sir Cumcised
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.
They fuck you once a month for 25 years, they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend, and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Because he couldn’t see himself doing it
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
A monk joins a monastery…
…and he’s only allowed to say two words every ten years After the first decade, he goes to the father to say his two words Monk: “bed hard” Father: “okay, I’ll make some changes” Another decade goes by and the monk sees the father Monk: “food bad” Father: “okay, I’ll made some changes” After a third decade, the monk sees the father again Monk: “I quit” Father: “good, because all you’ve done is bitch since you got here”
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig.
One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Last night, I explained to my son what the word “bargain” means.
I think it meant a great deal to him.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
One of my dads favorite jokes….
A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in San Antonio." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?" "$101,237.64" "What the hell did you sell?!?" "First I sold him a bag of #8 fish hooks, then I sold him a bag of #1 fish hooks, then I sold him a set of lures. I then sold him a new fishing rod. After I asked where he was going fishing and he told me he was going to the coast, I told him he would be best off with a boat, so I brought him over to the sea craft department and sold him that 24' twin engine Yamaha. He was doubtful that his Silverado could manage it, so I took him down to automotive and got set him up with the 4×4 F350." "A guy came in here to buy some fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"
What did Batman tell Robin before he got in the car?
Get in the car
What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?
Nickel-less Cage!
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
NSFW. I had to see this on FB so now you do too….(The proper way to use a condom after 60)
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