Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
I was fired immediately.
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
v Sorry, I think my ctrl key is broken.
And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.
But it’s not hard.
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged and said, "It's better than a fortnight."
Because change comes from within.
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres
Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
The walking dad
Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
She is very good in bringing up old shit.
"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her. She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?" I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
He was given two consecutive sentences
May he roast in piss.
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
There'd be mass confusion.
No shit Sherlock
Is nothing sacred?