DHCP server when I switch from wired to wireless
Doctor! Doctor! I’m really concerned about this mole on my shoulder!
Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
Wise old saying
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
What do you call smart person in America?
A tourist.
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
[OC] Why shouldn’t you mention hair or skin while wearing deodorant?
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
A redditor walks into a bar…
v Sorry, I think my ctrl key is broken.
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.
I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But it’s not hard.
Wife: “I shaved down there. You know what that means…”
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged and said, "It's better than a fortnight."
Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
A Mexican magician was performing on stage
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres
I discovered eggs Benedict is best served on a vintage hubcap.
Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
What do you call a zombie father?
The walking dad
CV for Family Tech Support
Experience for more than 12 family members over 20 years:Master in finding the cable that was not plugged.PhD in being the only one able to navigate menus using the arrow buttons of the remote. (That there exists no other solution doesn’t mean they won’t try.)Trustee of the recovery address of a legion of emails.Knows what a file is.Wizard-like competence to circumvent user experience failures. (“Yes, yes, you really need to slide your finger from the top of the screen to see a search bar!”)Ability to suffer through 10+ configuration steps over the phone. Including the endless repetition of “No, no, this won’t delete anything”, “You don’t need that”, and the crowd pleasing “No, you don’t want to read the privacy policy”.Uncanny power to spot what is actually a computer and needs to be rebooted, like TV sets and smart watches.Knows what a backup is.Privacy aware: can remove malware from your computer without snarky comments about the shady sites that you visit and more generally, can see things I shouldn’t while debugging your devices and keep it to myself.Understands that charging your computer with your phone charger doesn’t work.Doesn’t hate you, yet.
My dad always told me that I am special, that I am the 1%…
Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
My wife is like a plunger.
She is very good in bringing up old shit.
A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.
"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her. She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?" I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
He was given two consecutive sentences
The man who invented autocorrect has died.
May he roast in piss.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There'd be mass confusion.
What do you call a constipated detective
No shit Sherlock
I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.
Is nothing sacred?
