Did anyone else’s parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.
Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.
My youngest son wanted to tell me a joke
He said, “Poop!” It was a shit joke
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
Four engineers get into a car. the car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says : "its a broken starter" The electrical engineer : "dead battery" The chemical engineer: "impurities in the gasoline" The IT engineer: "Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
Why is your nose is the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards
My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some really good points.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
They’re free of charge
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. “What are you doing?” she asked him. “I’m going to have a bake sale to buy a car,” he answered. “Where on earth did you get that idea? We’re in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!” He said…
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
Onions make you cry
My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a Coconut at his face.
What do you call a mouse that swears
A cursor
I only added a few toppings on my pizza
There wasn’t mushroom
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.
When emergency services arrived, they asked the farmer what happened? FARMER: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them. One of the firemen asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"? FARMER: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive". But I couldn't believe them. You know, these politicians. They can lie.
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?” she exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents an
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
I just found out there’s a person inside Iron Man.
It was a Stark realization.
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.
Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Why did the banker leave his job?
because he lost interest
What is it called when two redheads have a baby?
Ginger-bred!
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What does a house wear?
Address
Comic Sans walks into a bar. “Get out of here!” Shouts the bartender…
…”we don’t serve your type!”
Doctor: “Alright, it looks like we’re ready to deliver the baby.”
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
My parents disapprove of my new job
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
I got fired from my job at the bank today
An old lady asked me to check her balance – so I pushed her over
I’m sick of people banging on my door and asking my if I have found Jesus
It wasn't my turn to watch him, and to be frank, if you didn't want to lose him you should have used bigger nails.
An egyptian mother tells his son “im a proud mummy”
No text found
*slaps knee*
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