Did y’all hear about the new law. In addition to Social distancing and curfews in some cities in the states they snuck in its illegal to go longer than 3 days without sleep.
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
I finally left 99.
He couldn't keep it 100 with me.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saurus
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.
I think I’m being stalked.
If you’re ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don’t panic.
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.
I hate Russian dolls.
They're so full of themselves.
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
it's a naan stick pan
A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.
As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier – he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result. One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a beautiful girl. He pulls her from the wreck, gives her food and water, and dresses her wounds. Very grateful, she steps up close and whispers in his ear "I will do anything for you for saving my life, anything. Just name it". "For the love of god, can you hold this camel still"
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies…
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters…
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins…
What’s the difference between an Indian and African Elephant?
One’s an elephant.
You got any corny jokes?
I'm all ears
The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates…
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?” The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.” The bartender replies “So three drinks?” “What the hell is three?”
It takes guts to be an organ donor
No text found
What’s the German word for bra?
https://ift.tt/2HOQOfu
My friend threw sodium chloride at me!
THAT'S A SALT!
I was going to start a bourbon company,
but I heard it's whiskey buisness.
When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered
It was like music to my arse
I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
