Did you guys hear about the Jussie Smollett hate crime?
Fake Noose
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies "Free". The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender replies "Free". The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
Re-watching it now and the scene at the cement place lol
Re-watching it now and the scene at the cement place lol
I recently changed my alarm clock music to a Justin Bieber song.
Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day so that I don’t have to listen to it.
How easy is it to get reddit karma?
It's a piece of cake.
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
2019: stay away from negative people
2020:stay away from positive people
Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates…..
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said The Navy C-2 pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates'. The Air Force fighter pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women'spanties.. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' He replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins. . .
Today just shocked my whole life
First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs…
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
People say circumcision doesn’t hurt, but i have to disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
I told my wife I bought a pencil with two erasers
She said "what's the point?" My daughter insisted I post her joke here, haha.
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Interviewer: how do you explain the 3 year gap on your resume?
Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired! Me: hurray! I got a Yob!
Love is like a fart
If you have to force it it’s probably shit.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke ,
and don't get a reaction
Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?
How do u spell CANADA?
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
Why did the hipster fall in the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
What do french people smoke?
Oui'd.
An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.
His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison. When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto had ever met. Big Joel helped him through his day, showing him where to eat, shower, and work out. Myto woke up every morning and had a Chocolate Brownie for breakfast. The only brownies the prison sold were from a strange company called Dria. Every night, however, Myto noticed something. The power always went out at exactly 9 PM. Being an electrical engineer, Myto decided to find out why this was the case. He asked his bunkmate, Big Joel why this happened. Big Joel shook his head and sighed. “Don’t know why it’s got to be this way. It just do. Power goes out every night at 9.” Myto was perplexed. He resolved to fix this issue using all his electrical engineering prowess. He realized that by using the strange brownies made by Dria, he could make a con brownie. He hid a very powerful battery that he stole from the guards and hooked it up to the wires of his cell. To his delight, the cell lit up! Of course, this didn’t sit well with the other prisoners. Why was Myto and Big Joel’s cell lighting up even after nine PM? One of the prisoners came up to Big Joel and asked him how the hell their cell was still lighting up. Big Joel promptly replied: Well, everyone knows Myto’s con Dria is the powerhouse of the cell
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
I had a car crash the other day.
I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”
Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I think my neighbor might be stalking me.
She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night
Bilbo was surprised to wake up one morning and find a supermarket had been built in his garden.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta
Now it’s a Ford Focus
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says: “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ!” The priest says: “No son, you’re not.” So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!” Then the priest says: “No son, you’re not.” Finally, the drunk gets fed up and says: “Here, I’ll prove it.” He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says: “Jesus Christ, you’re back again?!”
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!