Did you hear about Bert the brown nosed reindeer?
He's second behind Rudolph but can't stop as quickly.
What’s Neil Armstrong’s name backwards?
Gnorts Mr Alien 👽 (Illuminati theme song playin')
At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
Why can’t a newborn be fooled?
Because he wasn't born yesterday
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
To be quite honest, I’m not liking this sub at all…
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, “My hands are freezing cold!” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”
The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
Think you’re having a bad day? At least you’re not this guy texting his boss…
https://ift.tt/2wG4vKf
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
So there’s a deaf accountant who works for the mafia.
One day, the kingpin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator. "Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the kingpin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars missing, the boss wants to know where it is" Deaf man signs over to the translator, "What? I have no idea what he's talking about" The translator says to the boss, "Boss, he says he doesn't know what you're talking about". Boss says to the translator "I'm gonna ask one more time. Where is the money?" The translator says to the deaf accountant, "He's asking one more time, where's the money?" Deaf man reiterates to the translator through the sign, "Seriously, I don't know what he's talking about!" The translator says to the Boss, "He says he seriously doesn't know what you're talking about" The boss is now infuriated. He slams his fist down on the table and points a gun to the accountant's head. He tells the translator, "TELL THIS MOTHER FUCKER I WILL BLOW HIS BRAINS ALL OVER THIS DESK IF HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHERE THE MONEY IS RIGHT FUCKING NOW" Translator signs to the accountant "Ok he's dead serious. You better tell him where the money is, or he's going to kill you right here" Accountant signs to the translator, "OK! OK! I'll tell you! I hid it in a briefcase underneath my deck!" Mafia Boss asks, "Well, what did he say?!" Translator says, "Well, boss, he said go fuck yourself"
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
I once thanked a French man to death…
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
My wife said to me: ”Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
An American, a Canadian, a young attractive woman and an old lady were on a train
As they went through a tunnel and it became too dark to see and a loud SMACK could be heard. As the train exited the tunnel everyone looked at the American and saw he had a bright red cheek. The old lady thought to herself "I bet that American grabbed that young woman and she smacked him for it." The young attractive woman thought "I bet that American grabbed that old lady thinking it was me and she smacked him for it." The American thinks to himself "I bet that Canadian grabbed that young attractive woman and she smacked me thinking it was me." And the Canadian thinks to himself "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack the American again."
Lent is the best time of the year to run a marathon.
Because that's when you fast.
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.
I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron". I looked around and didn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So I put my other club away, and grabbed a 9-iron. Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked! So I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" I asked. "Ribbit. 3-wood," the frog replied. I took out my 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. It was incredible. By the end of the day, I had golfed the best game of golf in my life. So I asked the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." We went to Las Vegas, went to Caesar's Palace and the frog said, "Ribbit. Roulette." When I got to the roulette table, the frog said, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this was a million-to-one shot to win, but by this point I trusted the frog completely. I put it all on black 6 and, amazingly, won! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table. Suddenly I was a high roller. They put me up in the best room in the hotel. I looked at the frog down and said, "Frog, you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful. I don't know how to repay you!" The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." So I thought, "Why not? After all the frog did for me, it is a small price to pay." With the kiss, however, the frog turned into a gorgeous 17 year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A – meano -acid
My girlfriend doesn’t like to argue about Indian food.
She's pretty naan confrontational.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave them my too weak notice…
Damn girl are you a redditor?
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory
At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?
They live past the age of three
Why is a group of crows called a “murder”?
because there's probable caws
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?
A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.