Did you hear about Santa grounding Rudolph this year for getting a D in class?
Yep, he went down in History
Soon just got me without this one: “Hey Dad, want to hear a construction joke?”
Give me a second I'm still working on it.
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
what happens when the pope dies?
another popes up
I was talking with fiance out getting married and he said he wasn’t excited about being called husbands.
But he though that wife had a nice ring to it.
Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.
It makes scents, if you think about it.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.
“Anything these days,” I told my son.
He frowned a little. "What's that?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Huh?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "I don't understand. Explain?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. He sighed loudly. "Are you crazy, dad?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked. There was a pause. "Anything these days," I continued. At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!" There was a silence. "This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."
A bunch of dudes in cosplay who want to keep the status quo of constant mass shootings
https://ift.tt/2TJFWVZ
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
Dad…I have an imaginary girlfriend
His dad says,ā you know..you could do better, right?ā āThanks dad. That means a lot.ā āI wasnāt talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.ā
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now itās aware wolf
Today I quit drinking for good
Now I only drink for evil
Itās called a stain because itās stayān.
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Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin
I can’t stress how many dirty minded redditors commented on my cakeday joke saying they thought the the monk would cream the girl, so this one’s for you guys.
At the party, impressed by both the monk's cooking skills, along with his manners and good looks, that she approached the monk, hoping to develop a friendship with him. They were quick to develop chemistry, and the girl's feelings evolved into love for the monk, who was close to her age. One day, the girl was dying to know if her feelings would be reciprocated, so she invited the monk over to her house. When he reached there, he was met by a beautiful woman in equally beautiful lingerie, and the girl professed her undying love for the monk. "I know you're probably a virgin, and that having sex is against your religion, so I understand if you don't feel the same," she said. Knowing that the monk would never give up the chance at Nirvana to be with her, she looked crestfallen until the monk took her to her bed and said, "I've lived my life a horny virgin. I love you, but losing my virginity means I'm going to have to lose an essential part of myself." "You don't mean you'll give up being a monk for me?" she said. "What?" the monk asked, very surprised. "No, now that I'm no longer a horny virgin, I have to delete my Reddit account."
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes.
Itās like shooting fish in apparel.
Everyone thinks Iām weird because Iām addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But thatās just Hawaii roll.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,
"Son, you know that one would have been enough."
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable
I heard this guy whispering a lot of Pokemon jokes to his friend…
…but I couldn't catch them all.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
A man goes to see a sex therapist
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three" "Please open your mouth," the therapist says. The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully. "I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
She couldnāt stay away from her granddaughter anymore. This was her solution.
https://ift.tt/2XXVpnO
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on
The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him. Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they thought he was dead. The man replies, "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fuckin great!"
What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
Why do religious people not like trigonometry
Cos it's a sin.
My wife told me sex is better on holiday
…worst postcard ever.
My favourite laws
āŖ1. Thermodynamics – energy cannot be created or destroyedā¬ āŖ2. Murphyās – anything that can go wrong willā¬ āŖ3. Coleās – thinly sliced cabbageā¬
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, āCan you imagine being that strong?ā
So I picked up the leaf and said, āYes.ā
Why was Pavlovās hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
I am an overachiever.
Overdraft…overfed…overtired..
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
Christmas is the present holiday.
(Yes, that's a pun.)