Did you hear about the arrogant cannibal who started eating himself?
He was so full of himself.
What did Batman tell Robin before he got in the car?
Get in the car
All Jews had their foreskins
[removed]
One day left.
My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, and for everyday there is a new, fresh joke posted on r/jokes, your father will be granted another full week of life." His funeral is this Saturday.
I adopted a dog that used to belong to a blacksmith.
First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.
βMan I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dudeβs house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!β βNo way!β βYes way,β insists Fred, βcome with me and check it out for yourself if you donβt believe me.β – Twenty minutes later theyβre ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, βHi! Iβm sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesnβt believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!β – The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, βRoger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!β
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
A bigot, a liar, and a rapist walk into a bar
The bartender asks, "what'll it be, Mr. President?"
Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?
We recycle our material every fucking day.
Boy George has 5 reddit accounts and likes to switch between them.
He's a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-chameleon.
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
A farmer asked his dad if he could round up his 36 sheep
βSure,β said the dad β40.β
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans…
Because fish swim in schools.
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
I messed up the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia (stolen from tumblr)
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?” Mother in-law yells “the mother!”
Wife – "Then come clean up your drunk son!"
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My preferred pronouns are He/Hee
I saw a sign that said falling rocks,
so I tried it. It doesn't.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's fully groan.
Did you hear about the soldier that lost his legs?
They say he was defeated in battle
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over Β£500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
With a silent βcrβ.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
She hugged me.
I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
He keeps asking for an ex box, so Iβm sure he will be delighted.
My son used to swallow coins pretty regularly when he was a child.
Iβve definitely seen some change in him.
I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
Why do people love whiteboards so much?
They're just remarkable
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy