Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapse
When I thought to myself "Man…I'm fucking nuts."
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "…..but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "…Scr*w him ………give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "….But the breakfast was my idea."
Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
But it was all in my head.
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
But i just can't see it.
I couldn’t handle it.
Dad: Aw, he is saying his first words. Son: D-dad, I'm fucking 30 and stop making fun of my stutter.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios… "
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
He said, "Thanks, a lot".
Onions was a good dog.
And we’ve been married more than 27 years!
Especially if you go to a party dressed as a land mine.
Another day, another Dawn.
No forks were given
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”
Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing. "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!" The man red in the face wincing in pain is obviously not impressed by her apology. The woman goes on and explains "luckily I am a nurse. Maybe I could feel around and check to make sure everything is ok?". The man replies exasperated "sure sure do whatever, owww". So the nurse drops to her knees pulls the man's pants down and begins to massage his testicles checking for damage. "And how is that, any better?" she asks. To which the man replies: "Well it feels great but I still think my fucking thumb is broken!"
Then the opposite of “progress” is “Congress” (Dads can be woke too)
It’s fucking r/aww!
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
At a recent job interview I was asked "Can you perform under pressure?" I said "Unfortunately not, but I know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody."
Check out Tender!
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
you're built upside down.
they were flying off the shelves but he switched to chickens and they didn't take off. So he tried ducks and then it was all bills, bills, bills.
Me: "That's because it transports money going through withdrawals." She hated that one so much I nearly wept with joy.