Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.
My car really whips the llama’s ass! (excuse the dirt, it rained a bit this morning)
https://ift.tt/2SdIw5C
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler
“Never thought our child would go that far.”
"That trebuchet is really something. Let's get the cat!"
A horse walks into a bar.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?” The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am.” And poof he disappears. This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “ I think therefore I am.” But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
One day I would love to have sex in Space.
Or on Earth.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Wind
Nature’s biggest fan
I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
My wife just tripped and fell while carrying a bunch of clothes she just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
What one food reduces a woman’s sex drive by 90%?
Wedding cake.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
What’s a snail on a boat?
A snailor
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Sperm donors wanted
Please come quickly.
To the person who stole my selfie stick…
…You need to take a long look at yourself.
A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.
"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner. "Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse – good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse – mostly good for companionship." "That sounds interesting. What about the one swimming in the lake over there?" the lottery winner says. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain again today?”
She replied, “Yes, it is and don’t call me Shirley!” I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again…
I got tired of flipping the little switch on my rear view mirror to dim the headlights.
So I removed the whole mirror. I haven’t looked back since.
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
3 in 5 people suffer from anxiety.
If you're one of those people, don't worry.
If cold tea is called iced tea, and cold coffee is called iced coffee, what do you call cold ink?
… well then take a shower.
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
I can cut wood just by staring at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts?
The Carroty Kid
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
No text found
Have you ever tried eating the clock
Its very time consuming
My 10 year old came in with a piece of paper and said “Dad, I’ve got a joke for you.”
Then she ripped it in half and said, “Never mind, it’s tearable.” I feel like I’ve succeeded as a dad.
I’m not sure if I like the game Battleship
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
I just ate a frozen apple
It was hardcore
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow
its pasture bed time
My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.
I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.
Woman walks into a gun store.
"It's for my husband" she tells the owner. "Did he tell you what caliber to get"?, the owner asked. "Are you kidding, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him"
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
Where is EA Sports headquarters located?
It’s in the game.