Did you hear about the burglary at the detergent factory?
The thief made a clean getaway
What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?
The Answer Will Shock You!
robin: oh no the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
Never have a pillow fight with Death.
Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions.
My son said he coloured himself with a highlighter pen from the neck upwards during work today.
I think it's a bold-faced lie.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
This is definitely something my dad would say
https://ift.tt/36v2CNJ
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves!
The Soviet army is marching in Finland
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers."
I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.
"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"
Women really do hold grudges over the smallest things…
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue. It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
Because boomers all seemed to marry people they don’t want to actually be around…
https://ift.tt/2Kmw9zz
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
The ground floor of buildings are really terrible.
The next floor, however, is a different story.