Did you hear about the carpenter who drank on the job?
He got hammered
Why is your nose in the middle of your face
Because its the scenter
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.”
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
I bumped my elbow digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
I bought myself a first aid kit today.
I thought I would Treat myself.
How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn’t know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now…. I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin! For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone. I visited many psychologists. I didn't turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages…. Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life. That dead idiot had a twin brother.
My friends all claim that I’m the cheapest person they ever met.
I’m not buying it.
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
If a bisexual isn’t dating anyone…
…does that mean they're on standbi?
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb in a bank?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
Why did the outlaw minstrel get dumped by his girlfriend?
All he ever wanted to talk about was his lute.
I have a fear of overly complicated buildings
I have a complex complex complex
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
Win10
Just got done with a company wide upgrade to Windows 10 and let me tell ya. Windows isn’t even compatible with Windows.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid
Why should you never touch an electric fence
Because it hertz.
Another ‘What am I?’
You can look me in the eyes, You will always see twelve. It'll drive you insane because back to front and upside down I look the same!
Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson? Principal: Yes, your son.
At work, I’m known as “Mr. Compromise.”
That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.
