Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?
There was nothing left but de brie
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
I just took an AND test
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates
Why has Japan had so many conflicts and wars?
Because they have lots of animes.
The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I’m confused…
… because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It’s literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I’m sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill? Dead ant… dead ant… dead ant dead ant dead ant… dead ant dead ant….
My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.
It was a little drum attic.
I was having dinner at my bosses house and his wife said, “How many potatoes would you like?” I said “I’ll just have one thanks.”
She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.” “Alright,” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.”
I really need to get this shit off my chest,
and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.
Why did the twin elephants have to leave the beach?
They only had a pair of trunks!
Wanna hear something funny? Quarantine.
It’s an inside joke.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency
looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today…
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke
Should get a no bell prize
This year, I gave up using spreadsheets for 40 days.
It is Excel Lent.
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.
What did the tailor give to the lawyer?
A lawsuit!!
Boys… I think it’s about time I call it a night.
I’m an adult now, I can’t keep on calling it sleepy snoozies time.
A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl…
He never slept on the train with his mouth open again… -Martin Mladenov
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.