Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
It was horrible, nothing left but de Brie.
I have no words
How low can ya go
I don't get the difference.
Do they die hard?
Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… we'd both still be alive.
Then you'll all be sorry!
They are for-prophet organizations, after all.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Because he was outstanding in his field.
That was when I put my foot down!
I can never get a straight answer
You sheet metal
I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!” “I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
Well, the flag is a big plus.
He wasn't willing to let Qui-Gons be bygones.
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police." I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man. I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, “Olympic.” Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife…
"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!" Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!" "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily. "Gold of course!" I said proudly. She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
I don't know what they've been laced with but I've been tripping all day.
She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!
But then it grew on me
I said people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer
They understand the gravity of the situation.
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
I said that makes 2 of us.