Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france?
There was nothing but de brie.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
Why are Apple stores hypocritical?
Because to construct them, you need to install windows
I’ve been standing under citrus trees all day.
I feel sublime!
I saw a sign that said falling rocks,
so I tried it. It doesn't.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
Mom, I’m dating a man.
-Whom, sweetheart? -Dante the mailman. -Dante the mailman? But he could be your father! -But mom, age is just a number. -Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.
What’s the difference between a toothbrush and an alligator?
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
I seen this while scrolling through Facebook and i think the big noses qualify enough.
https://ift.tt/2WVozS1
I feel like something is off but I just can’t put my head to it
I feel like something is off but I just can’t put my head to it
I asked my English teacher where the last name Smith came from
"Well," he said, "in the past family names were often descriptive. People who forged iron for a living were called smiths, so that eventually led to the last name Smith." 'Is that where names likes Fisher come from too?' I asked. "Yes," he replied, "that's exactly where they come from." 'Thank-you,' I gushed, 'you're the best teacher ever Mr. Dickinson!'
I once dated a girl that collected magazines.
But she had too many issues.
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, “Tell me, why should you be released early?”
Inmate: It’s bec… Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have… Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?! Officer: Sure. Parole denied!
Why does the Prime Minister keep all his meetings post noon?
Because he is a PM, not an AM
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
I was going to tell a joke about Noble gases,
But I knew I'd get no reaction.
A guy says to his buddy, “I’m thinking about buying a labrador.”
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
I got scammed into buying fake bamboo
That day, I was bamboozled.
My book on clocks just arrived.
It’s about time.
A teenager’s car won’t start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help. Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life. The teenager is shocked at how easy it was. "Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!" "It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh… No, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
See that? Thats my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale
The local humane society is giving away male geese for free.
I might go take a gander.
Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
What happend before the crowbar was invented?
Crows had to drink at home.
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.
The fifth was dead Sirius.
I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before
It was just a pigment of my imagination.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, "That makes two of us".