Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Today I stepped on a hipster‘s foot
Now he is a hopster
What do you call cold Mexican food?
Chillychangas
Knock knock
Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Sorry I prefer Google.
Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
Because he has low elf esteem.
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
where have you been for the last 20 years?
A bar walks into Albert Einstein.
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. get an A in math?
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.
Who did Luke Skywalker learn to make pastries from?
WARNING: THIS JOKE IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE Obi-wanCANNOLI I’ll show myself out.
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.
A woman gets a call from kidnappers.
"We have your son," said the kidnapper. "I don't have a son," says the woman. "Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?" "Oh, God you have my husband!"
I got tired of flipping the little switch on my rear view mirror to dim the headlights.
So I removed the whole mirror. I haven’t looked back since.
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I’ve said
some minority would probably mug me for it.
I hope someone woke up Green Day
No text found
I quit my job at the helium gas factory
I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work………
Whats the rudest type of elf?
A gofuckyourself.
Bit true innit?
Bit true innit?
My dad threw a cheese shredder at me and he missed
I ran away and he yelled at me: “get back here you ungrateful child”
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My pronouns are He/Hee
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” may come at any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
“What did the leper say to the prostitute after sex?”
"Keep the tip."
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71. Sorry guys.
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
Christians: 18
Reddit is like anal sex
You dont know how it works for the first time, It can be painful and time consuming, But if done correctly you start enjoying it later. AND ITS NOT FOR EVERYONE.
Trump retreating to his safe space after being treated ‘very unfairly’ by NATO members
https://ift.tt/34RYsyv
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back….
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"…
I don’t want to sound racist, but…
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
Why did the banker leave his job?
because he lost interest
A man walks in a bar and says: ‘I’d like 7 double wiskeys, please.’
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. -Emo Philips
A cop pulls over an old lady driving 35 mph down the highway…
“Why are you driving so slow, ma’am?” The old lady replies, “Because it’s the speed limit, don’t you see the signs?” The cop says, “Those aren’t speed limit signs, it actually says you are on Highway 35.” The cop notices her three passengers look absolutely terrified. “What’s wrong with them?” the cop asks. The old lady answers, “Not sure, they’ve looked like that since I got off Highway 109.”
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
🌽🌽🌽 He was out-standing in his field 🌽🌽🌽