Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
but when I do, he laughs.
Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.
EDIT: *tools stupid keyboard
The police charged me with hummus-cide
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
But I think I've pulled it off.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
“No idea, they just ransomware.”
His career is now in ruins.
That sounds a little far fetched