Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
Both from a metaphorical and historical POV
Thick as Thieves
Some things never change
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
It’s the truth.
If money doesn’t grow on tree’s….
Then why do banks have so many branches?
Someone can be both Presidential and normal Chuck, Trump is neither
What do ducks smoke?
Facebook is a gold mine
There’s a better place
Why can’t I have terms of service?
My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she’ll get stuck in them.
I said, “You’ll come around eventually.”
Who is CRISPR’s favorite actor?
not sure if this has been posted already
Here’s a fact for you, Mr. Shapiro
Stupidity NOT NULL
A fisherman walks into r/jokes…
A fisherman walks into r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing. The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod." "Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before." "No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman. The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC. The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish." "Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want r/prequelmemes down the street". "No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'. "Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time". "No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes." The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?" The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?" The fisherman nods. The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense. He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?" The fisherman says "I can't answer that here". The bartender asks "Why not?" The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"
I know a great joke about unrefined oil, but I can’t post it here.
It's a little too crude.
What do you do if you break your leg in two places?
Never, EVER go back to those two places.
Found this in my english class
I am omnipresent
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
What did the police officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
Am I a joke to you?
Coronavirus keeps delivering
Nobody makes a turkey out of me
If adults make such good decisions then how did we end up with Trump?
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
cause we like debugging
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Not the time, dad
Two thousand for a Trump Tiger
I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.
So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom. I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck. I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner. On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs. "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." I said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink. I said "you don't drink?!?" "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this. So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask: "wanna get a room and knock boots?" She says: I thought you'd never ask! I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children? She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!
Faces of “Da Fuq He Just Say?!”
Anyway Please Pay Tax
Don’t forget to bring your towel.
Improvised hazmat suit
The creator of the USB drive died yesterday.
He was lowered into the coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.
Sounds good to me
I’m guilty too!
Of course they are
programmer, user, and computer meme
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
He’s great at parties too.
Trump supporters be like
My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
Not a sign
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, but it's not your turn Scooby!"
To whoever stole my anti-depressants,
I hope you're happy now.
You’re gonna need to read this a few times
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of "in" is.
Not sure if this was posted here…who can relate?
Don’t you just hate it when your son wants to spend time with you?
My Grandfather warned people the Titanic would sink
No one listened. But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
My embedded systems lab partner looking on as I do all the work.
Today my dad celebrated his 62nd birthday.
It was only a minute long.
Hadn’t these gone out of fashion?
On our Slack this morning. Too true…