Did you hear about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
That sounds a little far fetched
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.
The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much itβs going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says, βYou lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!β The lawyer is incensed and says, βHow dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure Iβm under!β The cop says, βWell, youβre so concerned about your beamer, you didnβt notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.β The lawyer looks down and screams βFuck! My rolex!β
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees
They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
My dad took me to an Apple store to buy me an iPhone 11
Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.
I was the control group.
A man’s in-laws are causing him severe stress….
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way. A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked. "Yep! They're finally dead."
I love the way the Earth rotates…
It really makes my day.
I bought shoes from my drug dealer…
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
A couple is divorcing in court, and they are fighting for custody of their only child:
The woman tries to pity the judge: -Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me! The judge is moved and says: -Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments. The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says: -Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine?
puntastic
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn’t know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now…. I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin! For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone. I visited many psychologists. I didn't turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages…. Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life. That dead idiot had a twin brother.
I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
How do birds communicate?
They Tweet.
Crying should give you better skin.
Because when you cry, you moist your eyes.
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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, βI hope you donβt mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?β.
βAbout 32,β is the reply.β βNope! Iβm exactly 50,β the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonaldβs and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, βIβd guess about 29.β The woman replies with a big smile, βNope, Iβm 50.β Now sheβs feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, βOh, Iβd say 30.β Again she proudly responds, βIβm 50, but thank you!β While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, βLady, Iβm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.β They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, βWhat the hell, go ahead.β He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, βOkay, okay…..How old am I?β He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, βMadam, you are 50.β Stunned and amazed, the woman says, βThat was incredible, how could you tell?β βI was behind you at McDonaldsβ.
Do not use βbeef stewβ as a computer password.
It is not stroganoff.
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.