Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
What do being constipated and being bored have in common?
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why…..
The butcher replied βI caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!β βOh!β I replied, βwhat did you do with the bacon slicer?β βI fired her as well!β said the Butcher.
My ex called me angrily and said, βAre you fucking stupid?β
I said, βNo. I used to, but we broke up, remember?β
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"
What do you call an incel in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Did you hear about the viking Rudolph the Red?
He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, βThis is so unrealistic.β
I said, βJust because youβre unwilling to try new things, doesnβt mean everyoneβs that frigid.β βNot that,β she explained, βItβs just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.β
I starting wearing depressing outfits
It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.
Teacher : Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.
Student : I is the … Teacher : Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student : OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe. As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: slaps me right across the face "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
There is a new restaurant named Karma
It does not have a menu Because you get what you deserve
A man killed his lifelong friend
He was charged with homiecide
What did the elevator say to the stairs?
I don't know. I'll escalator.
A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large…
so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help. The man asked βDoctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?β The doctor said βNo, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.β So the man decided to go to the most famous surgeon in the world to get some help. The man asked βSurgeon, is there any surgery you can do to make my penis smaller?β The surgeon said βNo, but I think a shaman might be able to help you with your problem.β So the man decided to go to the most famous shaman in the world to get some help. The man asked βShaman, is there any spell you can cast to make my penis smaller?β The shaman said βI can help you with your problem. All you have to do is ask the most beautiful woman in the world to sleep with you. The man was discouraged after getting so close to his goal, but he decided he had nothing to lose so he went out to find that woman. The man asked the woman βWill you sleep with me?β The woman said βEw, no.β The man was about to give up when he realized that his penis shrunk by 5 inches. Curious, he asked the woman again. βWill you sleep with me?β The woman said βDidnβt you just hear me? I said no.β The manβs penis shrunk again by 5 inches. He realized that if he could get the woman to say no one more time, heβd have a 10 inch penis, which was the perfect size. Excited, he asked the woman one final time. βWill you sleep with me?β The woman, enraged, said βAre you deaf? How many times to I have to tell you so that you understand me? NO, NO, NO!β
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
Guy: Iβm hungover
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someoneβs gonna hear us. Over.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
“I’m sorry, but Joey Starr is not mentioned among the 20th century philosophers”.
https://ift.tt/3gDH1bb
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! βYou asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up
The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo." "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
What does a lawyer wear to court
A lawsuit
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
Whatβs the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.
It would be a travesty.
You know, cardi b looks alright
But her cousin cardio… now she really takes my breath away (A friend told me this when we had school and Jesus did it make me chuckle)
Ok boomer bad. Ban good.
This sub is for comics that display boomer humor. It is not an ok boomer sub or boomer reaction sub. Violators will be temporarily banned.
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it…
So I bought her a candle…
The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.
The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?