Did you hear about the Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous meeting?
It's alright, nobody came.
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
A meme I made. Pay no attention to my partner in the otter room with Paint open.
A meme I made. Pay no attention to my partner in the otter room with Paint open.
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
I’ve been saying “mucho” more when talking to my Hispanic friends.
It means a lot to them.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
Top tier dad joke
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true? Dad: To be honest, i never knew she sold flowers.
A dude was wondering why a rock was getting bigger
Then it hit him
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.
"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks. "Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with. Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?" "Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy." "I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?" "We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in pediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs." "Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?" "Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."
I signed up for my company’s 401k,
but I don't think I can run that far.
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face. The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"
I can’t believe how many people don’t understand erectile dysfunction.
I mean, it's not hard.
What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?
Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.
HOW TO HAVE SEX WHILE ON LOCKDOWN WITH THE KIDS IN THE HOUSE.
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off' 'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!' 'Jason has had his skate board taken off him After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar' EDIT: HATERS GONNA HATE; REPOSTERS GONNA REPOST. I LOVE Y’ALL!
We’ll We’ll We’ll…
…if it isn't autocorrect…
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
A guy walks in to a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts
The psychiatrist says "Well I can clearly see your nuts"
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
https://ift.tt/3cqErSG
My girlfriend and I are trying the whole “long distance relationship thing”
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
I have my grandma on speed-dial
Call it Instagram
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
What’s Neil Armstrong’s name backwards?
Gnorts Mr Alien 👽 (Illuminati theme song playin')
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What did the Dalai Lama say to the Hot Dog Vendor?
… Make me one with everything.