Did you hear about the guy who dies from eating spaghetti ?
He pasta away
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Roses are red, Cellos are brown
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉
How does a Flat Earther travel the world?
On a plane!
What do you call a man who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor.
Robber broke into my house to find money
I searched with him
Why are books so expensive?
Because they're paper view.
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.”
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass those f**king potatoes!"
So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke in. Employee asks kids “Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?”
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while? Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
I just traded our luxury bed for a trampoline
My wife hit the roof
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says “uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.
My wife said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.

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Special Situations explores nascent opportunities in markets defined by post-moral dynamics. A market is “post-moral” if participants claim to be agnostic about how I’m their products or used, or the consequences of their use, but rely on the product to be used immorally to profit.Each post interviews a founder operating in a post-moral space.Our first interview was with Preston Everblue, founder of Homeroom Homies, who believes prison will be the new college.Homeroom HomiesOur first interview was with Sarah Dermer, founder of Shockly, who believes calibrated shocks delivered through special glasses can encourage self-improvement — within bounds agreed to be corporate partners. ShocklyPlease sign up! [special situations ](specialsituations.substack.com)If you don’t like emails, follow me, Chad Lin, on Twitter @thechadlin.
Wouldn’t it be ironic if Trump was brought down
By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
As I was racking up to shoot some pool with my son, he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We just got here. How lazy are you?”

When you develop a browser extension that is not scalable enough to handle 1,400 tabs!
https://ift.tt/33SC4VL
As a punishment I made my son read part of the dictionary.
He learned next to nothing.
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver…
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
Why was the card dealer at the casino so resilient?
He dealt with whatever was thrown his way
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, because men can be feminists too.
Why is an island like the letter T?
because it’s in the middle of water
My Dad says I hammer like lightning!
I never strike in the same place twice.
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.
At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself
my 7YO hit me with this one this morning
7YO: Knock knock! Me: Who's there? 7YO: Europe Me: Europe who? 7YO: (with mock outrage) I'm not a poo! you're a poo!
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
Ahhhh, I remember 2018 like it was yesterday.
http://bit.ly/2BQMo33