Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
Did you know Bach was a big time gambler?
It got so bad he went baroque!
If God was a woman.
Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
When I tell women about my 12β donkey dick…
Theyβre like βooh I want to see itβ But when I take it out of the freezer, theyβre all βI have to be going.β
I wish tree jokes were more poplar
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Two priests were driving in a car and got pulled over.
The police officer said βHello gentleman, we are looking for two child molestersβ the two priests talk quietly to them selves for a moment the turn the the officer and one of them says βAlright Officer we will do it!β
Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
I got so drunk last night
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
One cow asks another cow, βAre you afraid of mad cow disease?β
The other cow says, βWhy should I be? Iβm a helicopter.β
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
911 what’s your emergency?
"Hello yes my Wife is going into labour!" "Is this her first child?" "No this is her husband"
The Bristol Zoo Parking Attendant
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees for cars $1.40, for buses $7. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didnβt show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zooβs own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man whoβd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day β for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars … and no one even knows his name. Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/fake-parking-attendant/
My dad passed away last year because my family didn’t know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
My cousin called and asked if I would loan her Β£300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the Β£300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she βcould be under the same roof as him for his birthdayβ. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for a minute …decided to give her the Β£300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
After you die, what part of you body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
Is βbuttcheeksβ one word?
Or should I spread them apart
Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice…
Except Chris Brown
A frog goes into a bank
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." Edit: Woohoo!!! My most upvoted post ever! Thanks everyone. Hope you are coping through the Covid-19 challenge. Good luck out there.
Did you know that it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
What’s the best birthday present?
A broken drum Nothing can beat it!
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
A man is at his wifeβs funeral
and a woman asks him if she can say a word. He says okay and she stands up, saying βPlethoraβ. The man replies, βThanks, that means a lotβ.
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration. The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband replies "he wants my license!" The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going. The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!" As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth shit, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful." The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"
I found a new bread recipe where you donβt have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
A locksmith had to testify in court recently
He was the key witness
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
all countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat