Did you hear about the guy who invented the ‘Knock Knock’ joke ?
He won the "No-Bell Prize"
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
“That’s what.” – She
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A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey…
The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man. The man, confused, asks to the bartender… -What the hell is this? -Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monkey So the guy looks for the piano player and shouts… -Hey! Do you know why your fucking monkey sunk his balls in my goddam whiskey? -Not by the title, but if you can sing it a little bit I'm sure I can make it work
Ah yes, forget the fact that the cost of college increased at least 260% since 1980
https://ift.tt/2PbrZNy
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who?
This is Sean Connery.
At any given moment, the urge to sing, āThe Lion Sleeps Tonightā…
…is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?
Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells āEasterā. -Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter. Yes, thatās right, Alan. -Thanks, Dad!
How do you measure how heavy a chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
If you ever feel your job is meaningless…
Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.
A priest has a heart attack…
A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being wheeled through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No," says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
Whatās everyone doing next month?
Cause Iām not sure – I donāt have 2020 vision. Youāre welcome, Dad
I call my horse Mayo
And sometimes Mayo Neighs. (My dad plays RedDead Redemption and he legitimately caught a horse just to make this joke)
Why did the blind person fall into the well?
They didnāt see that well.
Epileptic Santa!
"He seizures when you're sleeping."
Australians are geniuses.
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.
āBefore you get settled inā he said, āWe have a little problemā¦you see, weāve never had a HR manager make it this far before and weāre not really sure what to do with you.ā āOh, I see,ā said the woman, ācanāt you just let me in?ā āWell, Iād like to,ā said St Peter, āBut I have higher orders. Weāre instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where youād like to go for all eternity.ā āActually, I think Iād prefer heavenā, said the woman. āSorry, we have rulesā¦ā at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator. As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. āNow itās time to spend a day in heaven,ā he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the dayās end St. Peter returned. āSo,ā he said, āYouāve spent a day in hell and youāve spent a day in heavenā. āYou must choose between the two.ā The woman thought for a second and replied: āWell, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.ā Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her. āI donāt understand,ā stuttered the HR manager, āThe other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.ā The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, āYesterday we were recruiting you, today youāre staff.ā
Training for dad level jokes.
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level. Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers. At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting
She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before. She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early. The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28Ā° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up. She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it." He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it in your butt." She thought it was waaaay too early for butt sex, so she decided to blow him. She starts off nice and slow, but then lifts her head and says, "What the hell? Your dick smells like shit!" He said, "Yeah well, the dog didn't want to go either."
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A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP!ā¦ BUMPā¦ BUMPā¦ Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMPā¦ BUMPā¦ BUMPā¦ Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTERā¦ FASTERā¦ BUMPā¦ BUMPā¦ BUMPā¦ He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… clappity-BUMPā¦ clappity-BUMPā¦ clappity-BUMPā¦ ā¦on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casketā¦ and, [Wait for it…] The coffin stops.
The New Year’s celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.
They really dropped the ball this time.
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: āEuripides?ā
The professor replies: āYes. Eumenides?"
I prefer to have my milk churned.
Itās butter that way.
The salesman asked me , āso which mattress do you want?ā.
I said , āitās a big decision, I need to sleep on itā.
FREDDIE MERCURY APPEARS BEFORE BEFORE BRYAN MAY IN A PUFF OF SMOKE
Ā STARTLED, BRYAN GASPS ,, "FREDDIE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD?" TO WHICH FREDDIE REPLIES "I WAS BUT I WAS BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A VOODOO PRIEST" "VOODOO?", BRYAN ASKS,"WHATS VOODOO?" "WELL BRYAN", FREDDY SAYS, "ITS A KIND OF MAGIC!"
I am reading a horror story in Braille
Someone is gonna die, I can feel it.
I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years
I donāt have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me
Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.
And thereās notre dame thing they can do about it.