Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack….
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Four mates go camping but they all hate to cook. So, they draw straws to see who cooks first. But, they agree that whoever cooks first will keep cooking until someone complains, and then the person that complains will take over cooking duties…
So, Dave draws the short straw and cooks on the first night. He puts in some effort and the mates are rapturous in their reviews. “Amazing” says John “Best meal ever” says Phil “I wish my wife could cook like this” says Sam. Dave is flattered but can see that they’re gaming him. So the next night he puts in no effort at all. “I didn’t think you could top last night but you have” says John “Have you been taking classes because this is phenomenal” says Phil “Keep cooking like this and I’ll marry you” says Sam. They all laugh but Dave knows that the whole trip will now be him cooking. The third night, Dave takes a dump, rolls it in spices and then fries it. He plates it up and hands out the plates. John’s teeth are the first to sink into the turd, and as his brain registers what it is, he spits it out and screams, “My god, this is SHIT!” He quickly looks at the three faces staring back at him and says “but beautifully cooked.”
What does a goat put on after his pants?
His goatee
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
My roommate snapped a pic of me during my office’s virtual March Birthday Party…
https://ift.tt/2UhY4oD
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
A young man was talking to his parents
Son: I decided that I'm ready to tell you that I'm gay. Dad: *clenches his fist * Mom: Don't… Dad: *sweats profusely * Mom: …. Dad: Hi gay, I'm dad! Son: Dad, cut it out, I'm serious. Dad: Serious? I thought you were gay
Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses…
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
V
V Edit: my CTRL key broke
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because they'd be called bagels if they flew over the bay…
I accidentally drank some food colouring yesterday…
I'm alright, but I think I dyed a little inside.
My wife wants to have sex over the telephone.
The bed might be easier though.
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
My wife said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
I couldn’t differentiate between them.
I slipped on my wife’s bra today…
It was a booby trap
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
A wife yells at her husband
Wife: "How could you do this to me?!" Husband : "what did I do?" Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!" Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?" Wife: "The fucking autopsy."
A few days ago I learnt what confirmation bias meant.
Now I see it everywhere.