Did you hear about the guy who was killed in the can crusher?
It was soda pressing.
What do biographers and serial killers have in common?
Multiple life sentences.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
I told my barista I didn’t think he should be wearing a face mask. ‘I’m not’, he said,…
'it's a coughy filter.'
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
My dad’s star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died
He was attacked by a giant crab
What do you get when rubbing two oranges together
Pulp friction
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I cried when my mom chopped onions
Onions was a good dog.
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He’s almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* – So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. “James Fart! James Fart” the bullies used to make him cry…
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself: -I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name! Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation. -Ok, so… your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart… I'm sorry, I just… -I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember. After a long and tedious process, everything is ready. -Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead? -Charles Fart.
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
I wouldn’t recommend becoming an escapologist.
I can't get out.
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest….
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest to cut a tree. He swings his ax at an old oak and it shouts, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack laughed and says, "Yes! And you will dialogue."
I didn’t always want a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
an artificial Swedener
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
Trump educates himself about the subject before talking about it
…. Thats the whole joke
If a mass of beef fat is ‘tallow’, and mass of pig fat is ‘lard’, what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'. Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say…. I’m behind The Times.
I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
I told my dad Stan Lee died…
Dad: I don’t know who that is. Me: how do you not know who Stan Lee is? Dad: Because you haven’t told me his last name. Me:….
Why don’t blind people like to go skydiving?
It scares the dog.
What’s the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?
Please answer quickly
The hardest part about babysitting-
-is dealing with all the… spills!!!
My neighbor got busted for growing weed…
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought
I signed up for my company’s 401k but I have one concern
I’m not sure I can run that far
If my son refused to sleep during nap time …
Is he guilty of resisting a rest
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
What’s the most cryptic animal language?
Horse code
I have made myself too many places to store books.
I have no shelf control.
My dad has a heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban from the zoo
If your Tesla gets stolen,
is it called an Edison now?
Rest in peace, boiling water.
You will be mist.