Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time …
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
When is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
I had a cracker for lunch.
First square meal I've had in days.
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
What’s a flat tire’s favorite vegetable?
A spare, I guess
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.
A great mom turns off the mixer first.
![[cries in queries]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/p6qlmedhyiw31.png)
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What’s green, has four legs, and is deadly when it jumps on you?
A billiards table
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.
Number 1. Number 2.
![Christopher Woken [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/9l85a9bqslt41-400x1280.jpg)
Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
If you thought this year was strange, I’ve got some news for you.
2019 will be odd too.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
My 7 year old’s first comeback line
My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes. We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said – oh I really want to go to Disneyland! To which my son said- and I really want a twister! ( Ice lolly). My wife looked at him doting on his innocence and said- Baby your dreams are so simple and innocent! To which my son replied- yeah and yours probably won't come true!
You know what tv show predicted Trump’s election?
Orange is the new black.
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
We’re starting to have a problem with violent posts. Yall need to calm down. This is a humor sub.
Over the last couple weeks or so, the mod team has noticed an increase of mouthbreathing morons posting dumb violent memes that violently target political opponents, either attacks against the politicians themselves or the underlying voting bloc. Not only has this stuff been posted, some of it has been getting upvoted.First off the bat, none of that is humor.Second, what the fuck?So beyond this point, the mod team is going to crack down on this stuff a lot more solidly. Post a meme about Ilhan Omar getting eaten by pigs? Instaban. Post a meme about paying five dollars to tie Mitch McConnel down and punch him in the face? Instaban. Posting a meme about how liberals or conservatives need to take the “plastic bag challenge?” Instaban. Shooting people on the border? Instaban. Shooting cops? Instaban.”But mod, isn’t defending these people the same thing as defending the political beliefs that they stand for”No it’s not you sniveling moron. You utter buffoon. When you were growing up with your little brother, your mom still stopped you from murdering his ass even when he broke your Lego Space Shuttle for the fourth time. What a dumb fucking question, idiot.”But mod, don’t you understand that the fate of American politics rides upon me posting this meme to your subreddit? You’re censoring my free speech and ruining the United States”AAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. For those of you doubting this, this is a real argument that people send us in modmail all the time.”But mod, this isn’t a call to violence, it’s just a funny meme about how my least favorite politician needs to be held accountable for their crimes”I’m sorry, you must be over the age of 13 to have a Reddit account.”But mod, saying “Guillotine” or “Helicopter Ride” isn’t a serious call to violence”You’re not only wrong, you’re stupid and wrong, which is the worse kind of wrong.No further questons.
How did the Himalayan man jump higher than mount Everest?
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,
what does smoking Marijuana do?
Did you hear about Bert the brown nosed reindeer?
He's second behind Rudolph but can't stop as quickly.
“Dad Are We Pyromaniacs?”
"Yes we arson…"
My wife tried to embarrass me in front of her friends….
She said I wasn't any good in bed. She was shocked when they all disagreed with her!
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says to the rabbit, "What can I get ya, sir?" The rabbit says, " I have no idea. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
I couldn’t believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"