Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He PASTAway
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
The furniture store keeps calling…
All I wanted was one nightstand.
My teacher said I wouldn’t be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
What body of water do tees like to swim in?
The Golf of Mexico
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal.
Elongate would really stretch on.
Why was Trump unable to hang himself?
It was fake noose
Breaking News: Vandals broke into the Origami Museum last night
Will keep you posted as the story unfolds.
A man walks into a bar in Vegas.
He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish." The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it." So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?" The bird is silent as a stone. "Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?" The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night." As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me ten bucks!" The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"
I bumped my elbow digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
This new diet is working pretty well
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
What did the horse say when it fell down?
"Help, I've fallen, and I cant giddy up!"
What’s the opposite of isolate?
You so early
Son: Mom, Dad, I’m gay.
Dad: clenches fist Mom: DON’T Dad: sweats profusely Mom: … Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?
Pen- nay (penne)
Becoming White
A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his belt and beats him with it. Finally, he goes to his grandma and says “Grandma, I’m a white boy now!” and she slaps him across the face and asks the boy “How does it feel to be white now?” He responds by saying “I’ve been white for 5 minutes and I already hate black people.”
I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks
For keeping me off the streets
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
Me: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up”
Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”
A cheese factory exploded in France.
All that was left was de Brie.
I met Tom Hanks today!
I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was ‘thanks’…
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m planning to give it a shot.
What’s the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?
Having to clean the monitor.
Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?
Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon.
How are your grades son?
Son: They’re underwater Dad: How are they underwater Son: They’re below C level
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.
“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!” “No way!” “Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.” – Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!” – The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.
A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.
How do you get a Redditor to open a post?
No text found
