Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
I guess he just has a self defecating sense of humor.
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
"Both , now get in the van ."
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
The water, because the butane is lighter fluid.
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do! -Dad
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
ME: Where are we going? Dad: To pick up our glasses from the optometrist. ME: Than What? Dad: We'll see..
It was a play on words
Schwepped her off her feet…
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.
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They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
So I packed up my stuff and right
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
I hated it at first, but now I love it.
sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "Ja, ich bin Adolph Hitler. I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Mexican." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Mexican?" Hitler says "Sehen Sie! See? That is what i mean, no one cares about the jews."
"With this, I will make America grate again."
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
Outlaws are wanted
I don't know what scared him more. The fact I was naked or because I knew where he lived.