Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
What’s it mean when you have a song stuck in your head?
You have a one-track mind.
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
synonym rolls
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentists…
Most puns make me feel numb.
Math posts make me feel number.
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck
I keep asking what LGBT stands for
But I never get a straight answer.
Not only did someone post this on Facebook, they reposted it again. Boomer- 100
https://ift.tt/2UMcUFi
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, “What would Jesus do” ?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed. “No, I’m not,” I laughed. She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
If you get into a pillow fight with death…
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".
I’m so patriotic, I piss red white and blue.
My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth.
My son said he was going to read a book by the fire.
I said, "That's a weird name for an author."
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?
Because he always accepts cookies.
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.
He ate it before it was cool. 🤦🏻♂️
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
it's a naan stick pan
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
My dad threw a cheese shredder at me and he missed
I ran away and he yelled at me: “get back here you ungrateful child”
Here’s a magic joke for you: A magician was driving down a street.
Then he turned into a driveway.
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
What do you call a cheap cicumcision?
A rip off.
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Women are actually turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning
Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says
"I'm going to become a vegan". The other one says "me too" The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny " The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"