Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle
It was an ether/oar situation
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years
We’re trying a new technique. We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through PLEASE WAKE UP
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle…
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ??? . . . . . . . . You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Aruba and $3.00 in the Bahamas
Those are the the pie rates of the Caribbean
Son: Mom, Dad, I’m gay.
Dad: clenches fist Mom: DON’T Dad: sweats profusely Mom: … Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic Attack!
What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A SpecTater.
My friend was telling me about the benefits of owning a telescope.
I'm thinking of looking into one.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
A guy says to his buddy, “I’m thinking about buying a labrador.”
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Why is the plane on r/woooosh?
Because it flew over your head.
A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time.
However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said: “A dove should not be friends with a donkey.” “Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile. The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams. In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: “You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?” “The gold.” “I don’t agree. I would choose cleverness, because that’s more important than money.” “Everyone would choose what they don’t have” says the student. The teacher turns red, and he is so outraged he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: “Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!”
I asked my friend if he knew a pachyderm famous for its trunk. He suggested Dumbo.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
Why is it that chinese kids don’t believe in santa?
Because they’re the ones making the toys!
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling. (original: r/jokes)
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
My wife just tripped and fell while carrying a bunch of clothes she just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother
until my mom took the urn from me.
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
I’m proud of my son, I never thought he’d go so far
The catapult worked well
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
I had a dream that i was drowning in an ocean of orange soda. . .
But when I woke I realized that it was just a Fanta sea.