Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's okay, the teacher woke him up!
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didn’t know I existed.
I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,
"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like sex?" I said, "Of course I like sex." She said, "Do you like to travel?" I said, "Yeah, I love to travel." She said, "Then fuck off."
I told my wife to buy some Dove soap.
She said, I never knew they were so clean.
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Why do hockey players wear so many pads?
Because they have 3 periods a game.
Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.
Runs in the family.
The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.
He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!
My wife said I could try lunges to stay in shape
That would be a big step forward for me
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.
My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.
Especially because his name’s Steve.
What do you call a short psychic who just escaped prison?
A small medium at large
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?
You add Spring water.
When two people have sex it’s called a two-some, when three people have sex it’s a threesome
Guess that's why my dad calls me handsome.
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
Did you hear about the great Duct Tape Heist?
No one knows how they pulled it off.
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, “In five years time you will have 3 children.”
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."
What do antioxidants and dictators have in common?
They both eliminate free radicals.
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.
How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
First visit to America as German guy!
I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by. She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!" I shouted back "DANKE!"
I’ve got a memory of an elephant.
I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight
To fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare
Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?
Never mind, you won’t get it.
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."