Did you hear about the Leper who attempted to beat the world masturbation record?
He pulled it off!
My friend told me a very bad joke about gravity.
I still fell for it.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
Why has Japan had so many conflicts and wars?
Because they have lots of animes.
Tough to be Irish
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
Just thought you people might enjoy my Halloween costume last year more than my friends did
https://ift.tt/3bzwcUG
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a good time.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Why did the white supremacist not mind going blind?
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by “T-Rex”
He’s a small arms dealer
3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.
25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex. So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request the priest says “Yes, only if each one of you do something bad.” They all agree and off their separate ways. When the first nun comes back the priest asks her about her day. And she tells him all about how amazing it was driving around in a Ferrari. Stumped upon how she was driving a Ferrari he asks the nun how she was able to drive a Ferrari. She responds “You told me to do something bad. So I robbed a bank and bought a Ferrari.” In shock the priest told her to go drink some holy water to cleanse herself. And just as he starting to catch his breathe the second nun comes back. And she instantly starts telling him how great her day at the beach was wearing a bikini. And the priest feeling responsible now asks how she got the bikini. She responds ”I had to drown a lady to get it.” The priest baffled by what he just heard again tells her to drink the holy water to cleanse herself of the horrific crime she committed. The last nun walks in and tells the priest she had a great day just walking around the park. And he knew he had to ask. “Did you do anything bad?” She responds calmly “No, not really, I just peed in the holy water before I left.”
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because a moon rock is a little meteor
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.
I don’t think I can ever repay you.
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
It turns out that Mr. Spock has 3 ears
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.
What borders on stupidity?
Mexico and Canada.
Proud of my six year old
My four year old fell down and hit her butt on something and started crying. My six year old calls her over so she can “take a look.” She says “Well I think you broke your butt. There’s a crack down the middle.”
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. “Do you guys have golden toilets?” he asks.
"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?" "Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet." Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Short and sweet cannibal joke
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Hey, thanks! (Non-joke)
I've got a kid who's dealing with a pretty heavy anxiety disorder and mornings are particularly rough on him. Horrible jokes help distract him until everything kicks in, so I've been leaning on this sub. It's good to see him laugh and groan at the breakfast table and all of you monsters make that possible. So, yeah. From one dad to others (actual or honorary,) thanks for the assist.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
