Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
– I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
I’m giving up drinking for a month.
That came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.
RIP to his back. Looks like he got a tattoo of a bum who lives near a basketball court.
https://ift.tt/2GEHKrF
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
A cemetery is a terrible setting for a convincing horror story.
Too many plot holes.
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. Before you know it, they're getting down to it. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
I’m never smoking weed with mexicans again.
I asked who got papers, and they took off running.
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland
The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks.
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
My dyslexia teacher stole my Volkswagen Golf.
What a stupid old gti.
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They’re absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then…"
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
https://ift.tt/3aphdfm
A man wanted to have sex with a nun
A man wanted to have sex with a nun he saw every day at the bus station. One day, when they got on the bus, he asked her to have sex with him, but she refused. The bus driver heard their conversation and after she got off the bis, he told the man " Every night, she goes to the cemetery to visit Father Martin's grave, who died a few years ago. If you want to have sex with her, go to the cemetery dressed in black with your face covered and say: Maria, it's me, Martin. I have come to have sex with you before i go to heaven." The man did just as he was told. When he goes to the cemetery, he sees the nun staying in front of a grave with her face covered. The man approached her and said he was Father Martin and wanted to have sex with her. She said: "Fine, but do it in the ass so i can stay a virgin." After the man had sex with her, he uncovered his face and said: "Ha! It was me the whole time!", but then the one he thought was the nun turned around and said: "Ha! It is me, the bus driver!"
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
I have seen a kidnapping.
I decided to let the kid sleep
Had to quit my job at the muffler centre
Too exhausting
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
What do you call a teacher, who retired?
A Taughter.
If you’re ever feeling lonely, just remember…
Every day is a date.
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.
It would be a travesty.
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
Because sin90 = cot45
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
What is GEN Z’s least favorite toy?
a BOOMERang. Ha.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road…
rolls around in the dirt and cross back? A dirty double crosser.
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.
The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground!"
Whenever I’m sad my friend always says “cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water”
I know he means well… Edit: WOAH! my first silver. Thank you anonymous stranger!
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
Say “Rise up lights” out loud.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.