Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers ?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I am addicted to brake fluid
But I can stop whenever I want.
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
my friend told me there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends
i really hope it's Jerry, he's cute
My daughter yelled at me, “DAAAAAAAD! You haven’t been listening to a word I’ve said, have you?”
What a strange way to start a conversation
Seven has “even” in it.
That's odd.
True story, happened in grad school when we had to learn fortran for some reason
https://ift.tt/3009lyq
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
how did luke know what darth vader got him for christmas?
he felt his presence
I was thinking they should change the name of the wishbone to the Napoleon.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
it's not hard…
The first 10 incarnations of Winnie the Pooh were so cute.
XI is just a fucking asshole.
Doo Wop singer Dion used to jog on a full tuxedo…
He called it his Run-around suit
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio. Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
The janitor of my apartment building asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her
I told her no. I can't stand high maintenance women.
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man ” is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn’t matter who he or she will be”. So the man leaves the church and walks away
After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have me for just 20€? Who do you think I am? You'll need at least 100€." she says. The man is confused so he responds "I'm sorry, surely there has been a misunderstanding, the priest of the nearby church told me to give you 20€". She replays "now I see… listen to me darling, he pays 20 € because he is a loyal customer! But he can't send all his friend here expecting me to make discount for everyone! " P. S. I'm sorry for my very bad English :p
If money doesn’t grow on tree’s….
Then why do banks have so many branches?
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent
The salesman asked me , “so which mattress do you want?”.
I said , “it’s a big decision, I need to sleep on it”.
Life is like a dick
it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious,
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”…
He’s a small arms dealer…
Study shows women are turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver watch out
The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work
"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress." "Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor. "Now, I want you to take off my bra." "Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it carelessly to the side. "And Jeeves, remove my panties." "Yes ma'am!" replies the butler as he slides the black silk thong onto the floor. "Now Jeeves," says the woman, "the next time I catch you wearing my clothes you're fired!"