Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?
He got off with a suspension.
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight
To fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare
Today just shocked my whole life
First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
Is this sub still active?
https://imgur.com/a/ggw9xpn
“knock knock”
Who's there? "Dishes" Dishes who? "Dishes Sean Connery"
I’m sure Trump will explain everything to Lindsey and it’ll all be fine in a couple days.
https://ift.tt/2IGWeZw
Gorilla removal service.
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
What do you call a redditor who can wield Mjolnir?
A reddithor.
It’s hard to believe March 12th is already National Pancake Day!
It really crêped up on us this year didn't it!
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it
Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
How much time do you have to fix your parachute?
The rest of your life.
What weighs less than blue ?
Light blue
I don’t like how shopping centres are so similar..
You see one, you've seen a mall.
Slightly NSFW joke
Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female) Maid: I need a raise Owner: you already have got a raise Maid: that was 18 months ago Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise? Maid: I am better than you in many things Owner: ok tell me Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you Owner: who told you Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: I also am better at cooking than you Owner: now who told you that? Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: and I also am better than you in bed Owner: did my husband tell you that too? Maid: no the Gardner did. Owner: …………….. Owner: ok how much raise do you want?
If you’re ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don’t panic.
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.
My mom was telling dadjokes
He laughed
I must have an amazing butt
Whenever I'm done talking to people and walk away they say "What an ass"
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
My girlfriend got upset when I called her a plateau…
…but that’s the highest form of flattery.
A wind turbine asked his friend what music he liked.
"I'm a big metal fan."
The FBI isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is being attacked.
They now yell "Donald, duck!"
A man goes to a bar and sees a girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3 Me: There you go. So, what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.