Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
I know he’s one of you!
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
And after a break, you don’t remember anything
The counter was reset today, we were almost into the double digits
Diane, quick, they’re behind you!
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
Just can’t get to it.
Based on a tragic story
Unfortunately this is relatable
Universal Law of Demos
They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
The truth has been spoken!!
How do you get a Redditor to click a post?
No text found
What’s the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
I for one, like Roman numerals.
No text found
Half of DS runs on single core.
I went to a “Put An End To Sarcasm” meeting.
"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day. I said, "My legs."
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
And I’m only in second year
Marketing department of Sun
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.
Actual footage of Bernie “Force Choking” Biden
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
First week in a professional development role
As children do
Hurts right in the feels
Riots. Riots everywhere.
It Just Works™
A man goes to visit his friend…
and discovers that his friend has turned into an arrangement of shapes closely fitted together, forming a repeated pattern without any gaps or over-lapping. “What happened?” he asks, mortified. “I came here to see if you were self-isolating and…” “Oh shucks!” said the friend, “I thought you told me to self-tesselate!”
Goodnight, sweet yellow prince.
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Living up to it’s name
why have i been disgraced
Fresh off the Facebook presses
What’s a narcoleptic’s favorite country?
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
I was so thankful to come across a man selling his junk in the middle of the desert.
But it turned out to be a mirage sale.
I can’t believe I fell asleep at the wheel.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name
'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
what a support!!
Look i made a f chain put a F in the chat
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the hoast ask the other two : How do you split your money with the Lord ? "I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest. The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" . "How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest. I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
Why did the ‘A’ go to the bathroom and come out an ‘E’?
It had a vowel movement.
What did it cost? Everything.
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey… a deal's a deal.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
I’m not surprised
Why is it good to have a crab as a friend?
They'll come through for you in a pinch
The only meme Amanda Bynes has posted on her Instagram
Does this count?
Corona Irony with Lime
i can change
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
A Coroutine is not a State Machine, Change My Mind meme.
How does NASA throw parties?
What’s the difference between a constipated owl & a blind sniper?
One hoots but can’t shit, and one shoots but can’t hit