Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too" Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?" His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"
Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.
The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?" They answer one at a time: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up.
If they pulled up both legs they would fall over.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high
She seemed surprised
I told my wife we could still have a threesome during this Coronavirus pandemic.
There would be six feet between us.
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
What’s 6.9?
A great thing ruined by a period
3d printers can print guns now
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
I do this with my passwords not this exactly but thought it was funny enough to share.
https://ift.tt/2SHGF9A
Ever have your kid come up with a better punchline than your original?
I went to ask my daughter: Where do you park when you visit the moon? (Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!) But straight faced she replies: Anywhere you can find space. Then she grinned… (she knew what she was doing)… space dad. get it? in space…. Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.
They should stock ATM’s better.
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds!
I’m a big fan of whiteboards.
I find them quite re-markable.
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink …..
so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
Someone just complimented my wife and told her that she and our daughter looked like twins.
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building…
He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”
A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He’s put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.
The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon. "That sure is a nice fire truck you got there." "Thanks," the boy says. The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles. As the red wagon stops in front of him, the fireman observes, The fireman says, "Little pardner, I don't mean to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to hook that rope around the cat's collar, I bet he could pull harder." The kid answered, "I know, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.
He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a harp seal."
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
