Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
I ordered a jokebook from Amazon the other week and I’m still waiting for it to arrive.
Sorry if this wasn't very funny to read out on Reddit. Most of my jokes are all in the delivery.
Two antennas got married last weekend
It wasn’t much of a wedding but the reception was wonderful.
I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
– – – Because it's capsized
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
When I was a kid my dad use to always beat me with a camera
I still have flashbacks!
Steal everyone’s eyelids and no one bats an eye…
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind…
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
What’s the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
How do you make toast in the jungle?
Under the g(o)rill(a).
My hair is tied up
It's got a lot to do today
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
I told my wife I had the body of a young muscled and sexy man, she laughed real hard and me fun of me
Until she looked in the closet
I signed up for my company’s 401k,
but I don't think I can run that far.
I gave up my seat to a blind lady in the bus..
And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver
What’s the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?
Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” may come at any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, “Burger and chips, please.”
“Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
Why did the pacifist refuse to eat in the Italian Parliament’s cafeteria?
The cooks a-salted everything
I tried to come up with a good acid pun
But they're all too basic 🙁
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
Why did the medium cross the road?
To talk to the other side
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It’s literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I’m sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill? Dead ant… dead ant… dead ant dead ant dead ant… dead ant dead ant….
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing electricity?
He was cleared of all charges.
My friend bet me £100 that I couldn’t bulid a car from spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
When does a car stop being a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
I just learned the medical name for Viagra.
Mycoxaflopin
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
Restaurant in peace
Why can’t Harry Potter differentiate between his best friend and a cooking pot
They're both cauldron
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
Will glass coffins be a success???
Remains to be seen.