Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
He was given two consecutive sentences
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now it’s aware wolf
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,…
…as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me". "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
literally they all complain about kids and talk about hating their wife holy shit
https://ift.tt/2Ocoyq2
TIL that before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke
should get a no bell prize.
If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery, let me tell you…
You don’t know what you’re missing.
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
A German Shepherd, Doberman, and a cat die and go to heaven.
God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master". God says " this is good, you can sit here at my right hand." Next God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left." Finally God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies "I believe you are in my seat".
Nympho on a plane
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father’s nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, “Isn’t he smart? I wonder what he plans to be.” The father says, “From the smell of his fingers, I’d say our son-in-law.”
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
I love the smell of my f5 key…
It is very refreshing
Do locomotive engineers ever actually do their job?
Or are they always just training?
I have many jokes about unemployed people,
sadly none of them work.
At work, I’m known as “Mr. Compromise.”
That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.
The idea of 6 naked ladies sounds great
Dozen tit
Pornhub premium users are like jesus
They pay for our sins.
Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things I’ve done.
I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.
This guy has serious issues with pulling out.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVD movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad…
I take something for it.
The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in a cup
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
What happins if you can’t pee?
Urine trouble
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.
I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs $2.15.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I have to brag, I have sex almost every day…
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one of the passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money." The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom. He stops the first driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the second driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the third driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver says, "You crazy? That is a condom!" The cop says, "You not drunk. You free to go."
