Did you hear about the sexy garden hose?
I was going to post a time travel joke..
But you guys didn't like it.
Can you believe it says in the Bible that men should make their wife’s coffee everyday?
Yup, it’s right there in Hebrews.
A guy walks into a dentist office.
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
"You owe me one cannoli."
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented candle.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
A millennial buying a home
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Why is your nose is the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Why is Yoda such a good Gardner?
Because he has green thumbs
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
My bathroom mirror is so dirty
But I just can't see myself cleaning it
I am opening a new gay club called ‟Garage Sale”
because one man’s junk is another man’s treasure.
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
Ninety-five year old virgin
Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"
If you were anti-pencil, would you be eracist?
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Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
Forgot to account for the extra day in the leap year causes entire Robin Hood to crash
https://ift.tt/2Tqvhha
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
Oh you millenials with your newfangled talk about this “curbside pickup” concept you “invented” because of Covid…
Well I tell ya, we garbage-men have been doing curbside pickup ever since the 30's. . . . And we didn't need any of your formal training for it neither, we just picked it up as we went along. . . . And get off my lawn!
The secret service aren’t allowed to yell “GET DOWN” anymore if the president is about to be attacked.
Instead they say, “DONALD, Duck!”
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If it’s a girl: girl ant. If it’s a boy …
I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car…
…when i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again
Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before….
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Daddy, what is clickbait?
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A dung beetle walked into a bar and said
Is this stool taken?
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
(Forgets Ferbruaury has that weird amount of days)
(Forgets Ferbruaury has that weird amount of days)
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
I can see two years into the future
I have 2020 vision.